Victim to Victor – Thoughts on Change

me at peace

Can you turn from victim to victor? What do these archetypes mean? Maybe we need to find some balance in the way we relate to our weaknesses and strengths?

Having had a health crisis, and a big period of breakdown in my life, was the best thing that could have happened. It has allowed me to birth into something else. There are so many skills, tools and insights, that I have accumulated from this intense period of suffering, that have actually formed the foundations of my newly re-built life.

Until this juncture arrived, and slowly corroded me, I couldn’t truly know peace, I couldn’t love like I do now, and I couldn’t be as giving, or helpful to others. Equally, I couldn’t sustain success. Firstly because I had patterns that lead toward burnout, and secondly because I felt I didn’t deserve it, or it wasn’t possible.

The so called, corrosion that was happening, was not a literal diminishing, but instead, an unburdening, of neurosis. We all carry neurosis, it is the minds natural condition, yet, it is tiring being so caught up in self-preservation, self-gratification, and the need for love, safety and approval from outside sources. It’s only when our soul is moved, even through pain, that we can begin to experience life from another position. This is the position of feeling, and the acceptance of what is, or the appropriate response toward change, in any one moment.

The most crucial movement that I took, time and time again, to continue to improve my situation, and to grow, was action. Yet the most beneficial realisation I had in all the difficulty was to remember, continually, that I was the only one who was responsible for my life. No other person, could save me, or change for me what needed fixing.

There is often a real emergency when this symbolic situation shows up, and there is only one choice that can lead to transformation.

Once you make the decision to be responsible for your life, things change.

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Starting a New Job! A Big Yes to Getting our lives back…

Last year I had so many firsts, in a long time. I’ve worked so hard on my health recovery, and I’m proud of each new achievement, not only the big ones, but all of those tiny little markers, and milestones that have formed the foundation to my increasing health, stability, and what I see as a re-birth.

A few years back, the thought of working again seemed an impossible reality. Especially when I was in a wheelchair for a year, with a further two years of very little mobility. If you had told me then, that I could work two jobs, then I likely would have laughed.

Now it’s my reality.

In the continual vein, of arranging my life to suit my new self-care regime, and all of the personal changes that I’ve encountered, it’s been very important to work in a way that feels good to me. This means, work that I enjoy, that is kind to my body, which uses my skills, and gifts, and that gives me room to pace to some degree.

I wholeheartedly believe that individuals who have gone through such a difficult, yet transformative experience, such as a health crisis that lasts many years, need to revisit their values, and honour a new passage in terms of how they operate a career, or earn money.

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I’m so happy I can swim again.

I want to inspire you to believe you can do the things you once did, before the time you crashed, before your body had a fall, and your life changed, perhaps somewhat, or more drastically.

Please be motivated by this post, because I wish that I could have spoke to my suffering and frightened self a few years ago, to reassure myself that things would change.

Recently I completed a massive goal that had been seemingly impossible for a long time, and this in turn branched off into more goal progress in other areas, which I’m now going to talk about, as those little branches, and roots are what keeps the journey evolving and spreading out like a positive, healing wildfire.

I went on my first holiday abroad in a very long time, see another post about the adventures with this big triumph, and during this big achievement I solidified something I had been trying to do for a while, which was to extend to my next exercise level.

I love to swim and a beach holiday was a prime opportunity for more playing around with this deep desire.

The sea, and the holiday pools I had fun in recently, helped me to strengthen a goal that had got somewhat waylaid in 2017. Swimming!

During the recovering stages it’s trial and error for a long time, or so I found out. Swimming has always been a big love for me to get back to. My husband would often say, oh you’ll get back to swimming at some point, and despite my strong desire to achieve, if I’m honest, my mind would automatically chirp up with, “I don’t think that’s ever going to happen.”

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A Poem – ME/CFS; An Opening into Transformation

A Poem about growth, and real life for all those who have had an experience with debilitating health, (CFS / ME, POTS, and Fibromyalgia). I wrote this to help inspire people who need it, and lighten up the subject, but be honest about how challenging it can be. Life is all around us, even when we may be being pushed beyond our limits. It’s at these trying times, that life becomes even more special. When everything slows down, and you are so in the moment, even in the midst of something terrible, there is peace, and connection.

If it resonates then please feel free to share it.

The Art of Pacing

Slowing down for me, is a continual process. I have a super speed mind and I’ve had to train myself, that just because I think quick doesn’t mean I should act so speedily. In fact, thinking less has been most rewarding. Feeling more and simply being has been at the heart of not only my health recovery, but in the foundations of my revised life.

It takes a great deal of discipline to pace, for some it may be easier than others. The inner critic has a lot to do with why we push beyond our boundaries rather than work within our limits, but that’s another blog.

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List of “Abnormalities” – Being Your Own Health Investigator

mecfsrecoveryA diagnosis is not the end of things. It can be the start of your commitment to getting well, but the variety of difficulties and differences, the people placed within the ME/CFS label suffer is wide. This can be true of any health crisis and chronic illness. In a way the diagnosis is the start of the journey and the end to whatever that wasn’t working about you and your life, that went before. 

However there seems to be a different version of something similar in each case, although there are certainly common markers to the symptoms and personality types that are diagnosed. Some cases are more simple and others more complex. Mine has been the latter situation. However, not wanting to underestimate or make light of the situation, even with the simple cases of ME/CFS, it can still take a vast amount of time, likely years to recover.

Finding out what is really going on for you, biologically and emotionally is very important. The main areas to rule out first, and at little cost to you, are vitamin and mineral deficiencies, which a large amount of people with ME/CFS seem to have, in addition to the staple immune and nervous system irregularities. In my case I have also found imbalances within my endocrine system. My hormones are imbalanced, and so I am addressing this with a specialist soon, after being quite disgusted at how limiting the service is within the Endocrinology department on the NHS. Continue reading

Where am I at in my Recovery?

Hmm, that question isn’t as easy to answer as you may think. In general in life, when we have to measure something there may be common markers or a clear scale, but for me, and I’m guessing many on the road to recovery, it can be hard to quantify. This is especially true when it comes to ME/CFS and Fibro because there can be many factors and stages. It also depends on what we define as recovery.

In general though, I am on the whole, feeling awesome, if not a little too over-excited to be so back in life again and not at home, unable to do much!

I’m probably around 60% which can go down to like 40 or 30 on crash days or setbacks. A lot of it has always depended on securing sleep, which has been the hardest area to stabilise. Along the way there have been different aspects of my body systems healing and times, where one factor is ticked off the list completely. There is more journey to go me but it’s safe to say there has been much success and recovery already…

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What I’ve Tried – A list of Helpful Things

 There have been a lot of tools and practices that have helped me to feel somewhat better. Some activities / aids, increase my energy or accelerate my body’s healing ability and others have been less helpful or had little effect.

I’ve added stars against things that helped, and most of these I continue to use regularly as part of my tailored recovery treatment plan. The rating is as follows

  • 0 Stars = no change
  • 1 Star = slightly helpful / improving energy or decrease in symptoms
  • 2 Stars = significant improvement
  • 3 Stars = most helpful, use frequently
  • Sad face = made things worse

Here is a list of my tried treatments and activities:

  • Meditation🌟🌟🌟
  • Accupressure massage🌟
  • Indoor Pilates🌟🌟
  • Pacing🌟🌟
  • Occupational health therapist🌟
  • Graded Exercise Therapy🌟
  • Private blood/saliva testing 🌟🌟

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London I’ve missed you – A Time for Re-Birth


I live an hour train ride from London. I used to live there whilst at University during my first degree. I worked there for years, before I was self-employed and I studied there for my Masters degree. I have spent a lot of time there, it’s clear but I haven’t been there for three years since getting ill, until today Aug 24th 2015! She does a little dance…

I planned a short, easily achievable trip for my first time. I chose a good goal, to have lunch with my lovely sister, and at a place nearby the end of my line, Fenchurch Street. St. St Katherine’s docks was the venue, I knew it was a suitable walking distance and now I just waited for a good enough day to go.

It was raining, but hey, less people out to lunch so that’s a bonus! I was a bit fluey, it comes and goes, but I knew it would boost me to go, plus I could rest both ways on the train, little did I know what the universe plants in your way for some kind of weird scnychronistic test. I’ll get to it later!

I felt so elated inside to be riding the train all the way to London. I have been able to do a few train rides now, over the last six months, to nearer stops around where I live. It’s been great feeling my independence again. It’s been a bummer I don’t drive because when I went down into the dark tunnel of ME/CFS, I’ve been dependent on others to get places further afield.

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The Power of Intention

 Last year I created this vision board, when I was really struggling on my recovery. I remember finishing it off in December on a day where it hurt just to hold the scissors and turn the pages of the magazine. Now, eight months on, I’ve achieved the majority of goals within this vision. My bum still isn’t quite like the beautiful peach depicted on the board but I continue to work on it. However, I did have some more pressing things to focus on over the year.

I imagine the aspects we want most desire from our hearts, are the things which come to fruition quickest or easiest. The ball really got rolling last Sept/Oct, after a major relapse in August last year. There have still been hard days and weeks. My health is still mending and there remain ups and downs, albeit less extreme, but there has been much change. Here’s a run through in relation to my vision board: Continue reading