As you may have seen from another post, as part of my own engineered recovery path I created this vision board a few years back. I just let my feelings guide me to all the things that I wanted to do and have again. Not just my health but my security and purpose in the world, not to mention fun.
At the time of creation I really did think it was pointless and many of these dreams, like getting back to work, being able to kayak, going on a train trip to London, not to mention going on a holiday – seemed like pipe dreams. I was still unable to walk more than around 200metres and I was crippled by pain which made me in an anxious state, also unable to get fully into the healing zone. I’d get a bit better then have another lapse, as there was hardly any room for error, whether it was overdoing it, like unloading the dishwasher, doing the vacuuming in stages, or seeing a friend for a cup of tea, or getting caught in no sleep because of pain or fear of the symptoms.
Something always drove me onward and kept picking me up, and that is the positive part of my mental conditioning. Often our personalities, can be both the cause and the cure for why we end up in a pickle or a life nose dive. This I’ve now learned, and knowing your particular mental conditioning can certainly lead you on the road to sculpting it into something more useful. Equally corroding enough of your solid personality, will allow for your deeper Self – the part that has all the wisdom, power and loving simplicity to take the reigns.
Through a number of qualities I can now say I’ve achieved 90% of what I believed was not possible, despite a deep desire to turn things around, in fact I was growing in new ways, so I didn’t fully register.
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In the last two years, I’ve slowly integrated more exercise than I did before my physical crash. I do around 50,000 steps a week, pilates at home once a week, exercise biking a couple of times a week and now swimming every two weeks. The art of rebuilding something as precious as one’s body, and healing the self, reminds me that we must be patient with ourselves, yet never give up. I’m far away from the wheelchair times, and I’m thankful for each phase of the journey.
